Alex Jones is Best friends with Charlie Sheen, LOL!

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Sheen unloaded while calling in to "The Alex Jones Show" and claimed he is 100% clean, saying, "Here's your first pee test, next one goes in your mouth. No, you won't get high."

During his rant Sheen compared himself to the Marlon Brando character in "Apocalypse Now" -- and hit just about everything and everyone:

-- He calls Lorre a turd, a clown, and says his real name is "Haim Levine"

-- Referring to his rehab stint, Sheen claims to have embarrassed Lorre "in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his un-evolved mind cannot process."

-- On Alcoholics Anonymous ... Sheen says it's a "bootleg cult" with a success rate of only 5%, while his is 100% and added, "Newsflash .. I am special and I will never be one of you."

-- After one rant the host, Alex Jones, tells Charlie he sounds like Thomas Jefferson. Charlie's response, "I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a p***y! But I dare anyone to debate me on things."

-- On his drug and alcohol issues, "I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it ... with my mind."

Yesterday Charlie flew to an island near the Bahamas with ex Brooke Mueller, Bree Olson, and Natalie Kenly. In the the interview Charlie says Brooke has bailed out ... saying, "Where there were 4 there are now 3. Goodbye Brooke. Good luck in your travels, you're going to need it. Badly."

There's more ... much more -- including sometime incomprehensible riffs about trolls, tattoos, F-18 fighter pilots, and Vatican assassins.

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